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A D

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a King and a Queen. They lived in a castle with hundreds of servants. Their servants had servants. And a few of the privileged servants’ servants had servants. And so nearly everyone had a servant (except for the servants of the servants of the servants of the King and the Queen). And everyone was very happy. Unfortunately for them, this was all that happened. They were happy and they all lived happily ever after. Of course, all this happened after the King divorced his wife and married an alien who landed in the castle. And the wife became a successful lawyer and cheated more people out of their money than there was money in the kingdom. And fortunately for you this story is not about the King and the Queen. It is about the alien who the King married. Actually not, but this story is about a pasta shell, which the alien didn’t even know about. This story starts in a small (and I mean really small) part of the world and we see an argument in progress.

 

"How dare you!"

"What? What did I do?"

"How could you even think of it?"

"Think about what? I don’t think, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. You’re the stupid one. But how on earth could you … try to think about it"

"About what?"

"You know what I’m talking about"

"Okay. If I know, then I should know, right?"

"Do you know you are such a dufus?"

"Yeah, but I’m bigger than you"

"That’s probably why u did it"

"Did what?"

"You just don’t understand what you did, do you? You … this is very difficult for me … chose that pasta shell in the corner of the bowl"

"So?"

"You were supposed to pick the one on the top! That is just sticking out waiting to be eaten"

 

[In case any of you are undergoing some symptoms of nervous breakdowns, I recommend that you stop reading this when I say NOW! Is that okay? I hope so]

 

So we zoom out from the conversation. We now look at a head of a … person very close up. Not a pretty sight, I can promise you. It looks more like a bowling ball without the holes (unless you count the eyes and the mouth, which are useless anyway). We zoom out further and we see a … human being, if we generalize just a little bit. If you forget about the extra two eyes at the back of the head, extra nose, extreme girth size and a complete lack of a brain then the term human makes some sense. Well, there wasn’t a complete lack of a brain. You read the conversation between the two brain cells in the head. So there are two brain cells. But they waste most of their time arguing like that. It’s an ugly situation, believe me.

We see the person who this story is supposed to be about. Whether it is about the person, I do not know yet. So you’ll just have to wait and you can’t sue me for that. Back to the story, the person that this story is supposed to be about is, as I described, can, in the wildest stretches of the imagination, be classified as a human. The preferred nomenclature for this creature is … I have no idea. Oops! Sorry. Let’s just call … it … Adologisticalimanickarratinarayama. Phew! That’s a long name, at least in my opinion. For my convenience (because I don’t want to have to write such a long name) I will call it A D. Phew! That will save a lot of time, not to mention eyes.

Ok, back to the story. A D was eating a bowl of pasta shells (with no sauce). And in its head the two brain cells were arguing over which pasta shell A D should have eaten. And all through this argument, A D had to wait until its brain cells started telling it to eat again. But it couldn’t tell its brain cells to make it eat. It was a confusing situation that A D could not understand (because its brain cells were too busy arguing) and so it sat and stared at the bowl of pasta shells on the table and the rest of the room from the eyes behind its head.

A D was in a small sort of restaurant, which specialised in selling pasta. And because A D’s brain cells were arguing then about whether it should move its left or right leg, A D just walked by without any sauce. It was disgraceful. I mean, how can you eat pasta without sauce.

Back to the story again, A D was examining the place with the eyes behind its head and watching the bowl of past with the eyes in the front of its head in case its brain cells stopped arguing. The restaurant was a small one. There were a few people who were staring at A D, but turned away once its eyes looked at them. They just gobbled their pasta (with the sauce) and rushed out. Pretty soon, A D was alone in the restaurant. It wasn’t even sure if there were any staff around either.

Two hours passed until it struck midnight. A D just sat and waited for the brain cells to stop arguing. Somehow now they were arguing about how ugly A D was. They were actually more of agreeing that A D was really ugly and that was quite discouraging for poor A D. You would know how A D felt if you had two brain cells as well. And so the brain cells finally realised that they were supposed to move the muscles of A D so it could eat. So A D finally got to eat the pasta, without any sauce, after two hours. And it tasted terrible. It was cold and tasteless … and there was no pasta sauce. So A D’s two brain cells made A D get up and leave the place, with an empty stomach. A D would have cried if its two brain cells weren’t arguing about which arm A D would use to open the door to leave the restaurant.

After half an hour, A D somehow … just crashed out of the restaurant. It was weird to see A D just crash through the thick steel door. Of course, it was strange that the door of the restaurant was a thick steel door now and when A D entered it was a glass door but no one noticed. That was because there was no one around. A D knew it wasn’t alone, but there was no one around.

A D just got up; picked up the box of tissue paper that had appeared next to him and walked on. And so there was a "human" walking in the middle of nothing, which was a place in nowhere, with a box of tissues. And the worst part was that the tissues had prints of a physics equation.

 

A D had walked for a long time and so it checked its watch. On the watch was something frightening. The hands of the clock had disappeared and there was the symbol "p ". A D understood what that meant and stopped walking.

To an outside observer this would make no sense. And that is reason that there wasn’t anyone around right then. A D was in the middle of nothing, which was a place in nowhere. And A D was waiting. In the meantime, A D’s brain cells started arguing again, this time about whether A D was an ugly human or an ancient extinct ugly creature. It was a heated argument and A D heard every word of it. Yet another not-so-enjoyable experience.

But A D waited. And after a short while A D stopped waiting. The tissue box had turned into a baked beans can, filled with orange paint. So A D just left. It didn’t walk anywhere or stop anywhere. A D had just gone. There was no use in waiting in a place where there was nothing. The principal did apply to the brain cells in A D’s head, but they had no means of escape. A D’s head was so thick that no a single idea left it, let alone enter it.

 

When A D appeared again, it was in the middle of Somewhere. It was difficult travelling to Nowhere and back and now it would have to go through Anywhere and Everywhere as well. It all made as much sense as a coffee pot explaining Newton’s three laws of motion, while floating in the air.

Well, I guess its time for some explaining before you start convulsing and trembling and even consider calling a lawyer to sue me. A D was a … "human" but wasn’t human. It was something. It had come from a place Nowhere. And it had travelled through Somewhere, Anywhere and Everywhere and finally reached earth. A D spent its eternal existence just existing. Sometimes it existed on earth or Somewhere. Anytime it was Anywhere.

A D was a being of senselessness. It had been created to exist and that is what it was doing. The meaning of life had no meaning for it, because it wasn’t life. It was … what it was. And because it was created, it just had two brain cells, based on the concept of a democracy, a senseless democracy. A D had come from a senseless place, in Nowhere. It existed and occasionally returned to nowhere to return a world, which made some sense. After all, living on earth was a senseless existence. And A D fit in perfectly.

So A D made its way back. It was in the middle of Somewhere. It would have to go to the side of Somewhere and then make its way through Anywhere and Everywhere. It was a complicated process, but senseless enough to make some sense to A D.

A D made its way back to earth and that was it. The existence continued without any objective or any sense. It experienced more of the world and would have enjoyed it if its two brain cells stopped coming to a conclusion after every argument that A D was extremely ugly.