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Tom "Dolphin-head" Jones 3

The landscape was completely barren. It was more barren than a … barren landscape. That didn’t sound exactly right, but was the truth. It was so barren that it could be called "Barren Land" or perhaps a more definitive name, but no one cared. It could be called "Acapulco" as far as anyone was bothered. Hence, the land had no name and no one cared. If the land was living, then it probably go on strike and walk away. But since land never really walked away, this land didn’t walk away either. It just remained where it was like a good area of barren land.

And on this barren land, there was no life, or more appropriately, no intelligent life forms. The two life forms that were there were Tom "Dolphin-head" Jones and a donkey. The city of San Francisco had been taken away from under his feet. He wondered what would have happened if he didn’t jump. If he didn’t jump, "they" wouldn’t be able to take the city from under his feet. Of course, he wouldn’t have jumped if that dumb donkey hadn’t appeared from out of nowhere. If the donkey hadn’t appeared, he would have attentively listened to the landlord, gone absolutely insane and then jumped. But all because of that donkey, his rent was tripled and then he had to jump. It was all, the donkey’s fault. If there was a lawyer around, Tom would have sued the donkey for all that it was worth.

That is when two interesting facts struck Tom. The first thing he realised that if he sued the donkey for all that the donkey was worth, he would probably have to pay the donkey. The second thing that just touched the exterior of Tom’s minute brain was that there wasn’t a lawyer around. That’s when Tom remembered that there wasn’t anything around. There wasn’t San Francisco, there weren’t any doughnut or cake shops and there were no lawyers (probably the only bright side). Tom knew that he had to find his dimension. Somebody had, somehow, taken the world away and left him here, wherever "here" was.

He looked at the donkey and thought. He felt like strangling the donkey, but knew that if he did, somehow the SPCA would appear and impose a fine of 1 million dollars on him and then leave him where he was. It was unjust and wrong that he should suffer because of a dumb donkey that probably couldn’t even multiply 5382629.978 by 5785743 in two seconds. It was beside the point that Tom couldn’t either, but that definition of dumb made him feel certain that the donkey was dumb.

"I think the answer to your question is 31142513716803.654" a voice spoke.

Tom looked at the donkey and lost all sanity. However, since he had already lost a major portion of his sanity earlier, he just lost consciousness. And when he fell to the ground there was an earthquake that was measured to be 9 on the Richter scale, by people that weren’t there.


When Tom regained consciousness, the donkey was staring down into his eyes and then it walked away. Tom stumbled back onto his feet and shook himself like a wet dog, for no scientific or philosophical reason. After having shook himself enough, he stopped and looked around. The donkey was just walking around eating the little grass that there was on the barren landscape.

Tom couldn’t understand what had happened. He couldn’t believe that the donkey had spoken. It was too weird and he realised that his life was weird enough for that to happen. After all, he had had conversations with dogs and non-existent Algerian Condors, so what would be different about a donkey talking? Just a minor species difference, but he wasn’t all that bothered.

So Tom walked over to the donkey and looked down at it. The donkey looked up with the look that only a donkey could make (considering the number facial expressions of donkeys, which is the grand amount of … 1). Tom took a deep breath and spoke "Hello … o … "Donkey"! I … heard you … speak to me. What … is your … message?"

The donkey continued to look up at Tom for a few seconds and then went back to eating the sparse grass.

Tom couldn’t understand what was going on. He had heard someone speak and the only living being around was the donkey.

"I knew you were an idiot, but I certainly didn’t expect this"

Tom shook himself again and looked around so quickly that he hardly got to see something for a microsecond before he looked somewhere else. As a result, he was moving his head, but didn’t really see much. When he stopped moving his head, Tom was still looking at the donkey.

"Oh, God, you’re dumb! Look in the direction of my voice, imbecile"

Tom turned around and saw the shadow of a tall Basketball player. He knew that he should never trust a shadow from past experiences, but couldn’t understand how a shadow of a tall Basketball player wasn’t true. So he looked up towards the sky, in anticipation of a really tall person, by judging the shadow. And he saw … nothing. Ok, he didn’t see nothing, but he didn’t see any tall Basketball player.

"Down here, o’ lord of fools!"

Tom looked at a lower angle and finally saw another human life form. It was a Basketball player, but a VERY short Basketball player. The Basketball player was 3 feet tall, wearing a uniform with the name "Non-existent Entities" with a logo on the front and was holding a basketball in its right hand.

"What are you looking at? I know you’re stupid so you don’t have to prove it anymore" Tom’s polite new acquaintance

"Who or what are you?" Tom asked while trying to look at the person from different angles.

"Stop that! I don’t like being studied, especially by someone of your inferior intellect. I’ll have you know that I am a member of the UNEEIIC"

"Huh? What’s that supposed to be? United … Norwegians … Eating … Elephants … In … Irradiated … Coats?"

"NO! Don’t tell me that there isn’t even an iota of intelligence in that skull of yours. It stands for Universe’s Non-Existent Entities (who are members of the) Intelligent Idiot’s Council!"

"Oh! That makes a lot of sense"

"That’s it! I’m leaving. I was supposed to help you and I refuse to help such an intellectually impaired creature" The Basketball player hit a button on a watch-like device on its wrist and looked up and waited.

Tom screamed "No…!" and grabbed onto the Basketball player. What resulted was that some sort of energy beam tried to beam the player up, but due to the extreme mass of Tom "Dolphin-head" Jones, only beamed up the watch-like device and the basketball of the short Basketball player.

"NO! You idiot! How could you? Now I can’t even leave! I’m stuck here with you! Damn!"

Tom looked guiltily at the player and asked "Have I done something wrong?"

The Basketball player said "NO! Nothing’s wrong. Now I’m stuck here, with you and I can’t even get back. Why did I agree to do this? Now both you and I will be here to rot!"

"At least neither of us will be alone. And we’ve always got the donkey here to blame"

The Basketball player had had enough. With one great scream that even made the donkey look up, the player faked collapsing to the ground and left Tom alone to his thoughts and the donkey to eat the last few stalks of grass.


So life was just a mite too strange for Tom. It always seemed to get stranger with each moment that passed. And that’s why it wasn’t getting any stranger lately, because time didn’t seem to pass. The sun didn’t set. It just stayed up in the sky like it had been glued there for all convenient purposes. Tom looked around. The donkey was asleep in the shade of a tree that wasn’t there. The Basketball player was lying on the ground and snoring. Tom was always learning about life. He had just learned never to stay around a short Basketball player who faked a collapse. He knew that his decision could be counted as a form of prejudice, but his argument was that he had been subjected to cruel and unusual punishment.

Apart from the two living creatures around him, Tom noticed no other animate objects around. He turned to the hill where the guy who looked like him stood and declared Tom’s fate. Tom wanted to climb up to the top of the small hill to see what was beyond it, but the climb was too difficult. It reminded him of something he had seen before. It was just as steep as was the climb from his office building up the hill.

Then it struck him that that is where he was. He was where his office was and was looking up at the hill he used to come down every morning. He scanned the area and began to understand his surroundings, although it was of no use because there was nothing around, except for the barren landscape, a short Basketball player and the donkey, which was the root of all his problems. But there was nothing he could do about the animal without getting an exorbitant fine. He was already broke and didn’t want to have a negative amount of money in his pockets. He was used to it, but didn’t want it.


The Basketball player groaned a moan and then moaned a groan. It sounded like … something Tom had never heard before. He had heard people groan groans and moan moans, but never a moan that was groaned or a groan that was moaned. This guy was definitely on Tom’s list of strangest people in the Universe.

The Basketball player got up, rubbed his eyes and said "Oh! It’s you!"

"Who were you expecting, the Emperor of Mordazia?"

"How do you know her?"

"The Emperor of Mordazia is a "she"?"

"Yeah! What did you expect? But how did know about her?"

"I don’t know about her. I know as much about her as I know about the "Scratching Beeple of Zordin""

"You know about the "Scratching Beeple of Zordin"?"

"I don’t! I’m just making up names as I go along"

"You’re lying. Only a few life forms in the entire universe know about the "Scratching Beeple of Zordin". This can’t be just plain luck. You know something and you aren’t telling me"

"I’m telling you, I know nothing"

"How do you know "nothing"? Do you know where "nothing" is?"

"I have no idea. Forget it all! This is just a dumb mistake"

"Ok. Don’t tell me. I’ll find out. I have my ways"

"What ways? Who the heck are you?"

"Why should I tell you? You won’t even tell me how you know the Emperor of Mordazia

That was the limit for Tom "OK! The Emperor of Mordazia sent me an award for the greatest detective in the universe"

"I knew there was a reason. Although she has terrible choice, but now I understand how you know her"

"So who are YOU?" Tom had resorted to raising the volume of his voice to such an extent that the donkey nearly looked up, but didn’t bother.

"I’m the Kroll of Jert! Of course, that title probably makes no sense to you. In earthly terms, I would be considered as a bad Samaritan"

"Don’t you mean a good Samaritan?"

"No I don’t! Helping you is not a good deed. The only reason I’m doing this is so that I get credits for destroying the planet earth. You can’t believe how much your planet and its kind is despised in the future during the era of space travel"

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh! You don’t even know yet. Well, let’s see. There’s going to be another World War, then a cold war between USA and USSR, the space race and … Voila! You have men on the moon"

"What? A man on the moon? You must be joking. That isn’t possible"

"Believe me. It is"

"I don’t believe you. So what does a Kroll of Jert do?"

"I am THE Kroll of Jert, the one and only. I do deeds that are very good either in the short or long run, and are very bad otherwise. If I help you find your dimension, then in the long run, the dumb Earthlings won’t invade space in time for their own destruction. And don’t try pulling that confused face on me. You’re just too dumb to understand and I pity you for that. But I cannot afford to waste my sanity talking to you much longer so I have to get you to your planet"

"But why was my world taken away?"

"That’s because you’re too huge"

"I mean, why? What would have happened if I was still there"

"Nothing would have happened. It was all just a conspiracy on the part of the future CIA to make the planet. They removed you, lawyers, a few physicists, Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein and Jerry Springer"

"Who are they?"

"You don’t need to know that. All you need to know is that you need to get back to your world before it time is started again"

"Is time stopped everywhere"

"Just in this dimension and for the planet earth. It is still in transport and they don’t want to create any confusion. I think we had better go. Follow me"

The Kroll of Jert walked off … up the hill. Tom knew that he had to walk up the hill if he wanted to find his world again. It was a sacrifice that he would have to take. He took a deep breath, exhaled all that he inhaled and then started running. It was like something out of a cartoon. Tom was running, but not forwards, backwards or in any direction. He ran in the same spot and built up a lot of dust. After 1 minute, he moved one inch and then, slowly and painstakingly, Tom moved up the hill.

If time were active, Tom would have reached the hill 5 hours later. But since there was no time, Tom reached at the same time he started running. But he was so tired, he felt like collapsing. The Kroll was observing Tom and then said "Follow me"

Tom watched as The Kroll walked back down the hill. He shouted "Why did we come up the hill?"

"Oh, I wanted to see you trying to climb it. I needed a laugh"

Tom felt dejected. He knew that people laughed at him, when he wasn’t sitting on them, but this was the first time some one had told him irrespective of the situation. He felt as hurt as … he realised that The Kroll had disappeared. He started running down the hill, but it deteriorated into more of a controlled roll down the hill. Pretty soon, he caught up with The Kroll and overtook him. Tom stopped at the base of the hill and waited for The Kroll to come down. When The Kroll reached, Tom grinned a naughty grin at him.

The Kroll said "It’s easy to reach the bottom of a mountain, but it is most difficult to climb to the top"

Dang! That was the only word that Tom could think of that wouldn’t be censored. He thought he had beat The Kroll and all that that guy had to talk about was a dumb mountain. That Kroll had as much sense as a … Tom realised that The Kroll had disappeared again. He looked all around and couldn’t see The Kroll until he heard a scratching sound behind him. He was about to turn around when The Kroll said "Don’t move. This is critical to you finding your planet" Tom turned back to the way he was. The sun was glaring into his eyes. It was hot and in his suit he felt hotter with the suns rays almost focusing on him.

He waited there for half an hour until he heard snoring behind him. He tried turning his head and then gave up and turned around and saw The Kroll sleeping. It was disgusting. He moved out of the way of the sun and let the rays of the sun reach the closed eyes of The Kroll. The Kroll shook up out of his sleep and then looked up at Tom "What was that for?"

"What the heck are you doing? You were supposed to be determining my way home"

"I was, but I felt tired and slept. You don’t want me making bad calculations, do you?"

"No, I don’t, but…"

"Just get back to where you were otherwise the equation will remain incomplete"

Tom went back to standing for the rays of the sun to hit his eyes while The Kroll supposedly was determining the way back. After a while, Tom realised that the sun had moved. Time had started again. He shouted out "Kroll, time has begun again. Shouldn’t we hurry?"

The Kroll grunted and woke up and realised that time had resumed once again. He got up quickly and started walking to Tom’s left. He turned to Tom and said, "Hurry up. We don’t have much time! It should happen any second now"

Tom followed The Kroll and asked, "What should happen?"

"The CIA are bad at transport. They use very inferior technology. When they resume time again, there is always just a small gap in their dimensional transfer"

"How do you know?"

"They did the same thing with Newton and Hitler. And we brought both of them back"

"But why can’t the CIA remove them again"

"They don’t have the technology to permanently remove a person. When you jumped, you gave them a reason to "expel" you, but this flaw in their system allows us to take people back"

"Do you mean THEY sent the donkey?"

"It was actually meant to be a goat. There was another flaw in their system that made it a donkey"

"I should sue them"

"I’ll fill out a report at the Universe-Court. They might do something. Now get ready. The gap is appearing"

When the gap appeared, it suddenly dawned on Tom what was so different about the barren landscape. It was in color. His world was in different shades and he was in a world of color. He couldn’t believe it or even understand it. Before Tom could say another word, though, The Kroll somehow picked him up with one hand and threw him through the gap.


The next thing that Tom knew was that he was in a large hole in the floor of his office. His landlord rushed in and asked "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE?"

Tom realised he was back in his own world. He smiled and then it struck him that he was facing his landlord. He tried to get out of the hole, but couldn’t. So from his hole, he explained to the landlord all that had happened – the donkey, the Kroll of Jert, the CIA and finally about Jerry Springer. The landlord heard every word Tom said and eventually went completely insane and was taken to a mental rehabilitation center.

The other tenants of the building were so pleased to see that Tom had rid them of the landlord that they all paid for the crane to pull him out of the hole and the hole to be fixed. They were all so pleased that they unanimously voted and Tom was legally established as the landlord. Tom was a great landlord. He irritated no one and everyone paid their rent on time. He amassed a lot of money and was broke no more. Then with all the money, he re-opened the doughnut shop at the top of the hill and lived a wonderful life. He had 5 king-sized doughnuts for breakfast and would earn money from the doughnut shop, which became a phenomenal success, and the rent. He was happy once again and life went on. The CIA’s plan was foiled and life on earth went on normally and this is why we are still living the life we are living today.