The Origin of Lawyers

Talk about a good day! The sun shone, the rain rained, the wind … "winded"(?). Forgive the grammar, but I’m in a rhythm here. It was such a perfect day … there wasn’t even a single lawyer to be seen. When you come to think of it, there wasn’t a single lawyer around. No one knew what a lawyer was! Life was so wonderful! Even usually psychotic murderers were happy and nice.

Unfortunately, this didn’t last long. And the proof of that lives in our very lives. It lives in the heart and soul of every chicken that was sued for a million dollars. Hence, a question arises: Why do we have lawyers? If life was so perfect without them, which idiot went out and thought about becoming a lawyer? If we knew, and if the person were still alive, we would kill that person. But the idea is so old that that person wouldn’t even be born then. So that theory goes down the drain. The story of the lawyer goes way, way, way back into the past (or the future).

Once upon a time, there was a great civilization. This civilization had expanded over thirty planets. You can see that this is not your "run-of-the-mill" civilization. It was immense and very advanced. It was so advanced that travelling anywhere around the speed of sound was considered slower than a snail. Come to think of it, the snails travelled at Mach 2000. This is how advanced the civilization was.

However, even with all their advancements, there was chaos. And if there was chaos, it meant only one thing … there were lawyers. Don’t get me wrong here. The lawyers weren’t there because there was chaos. Chaos was there because there were lawyers. There were so many lawyers that there were actually laws meant to inhibit the growth of lawyers.

One such law goes like this. The idea was that lawyers charged their clients for more hours that they were alive and that this was a natural tendency of a lawyer. So a law was passed, which said that every lawyer must be "exterminated" when, according to the hours billed to the clients, they reached the age of 30. However, the lawyers figured out a way out of this and starte4d billing clients for no hours and, thus, worked for free. You must be wondering how they earned money in this case and here is the word that says it all … BRIBES!

So now there were lawyers who were 420 years old who were tormenting all the poor souls in the civilization. Hence, there was chaos. Everywhere you looked, there were lawyers and more lawyers. And so there came a time when there were more lawyers than non-existent animals.

At this time, with an apocalypse looming, the leaders of this civilization decided it was time for immediate action. So they ordered pizza!

While the leaders were all eating the pizza in the great council hall, a group of angry priests barged in, demanding a piece of the action. So they joined it and ate pizza!

After hours and hours of eating pizza, it dawned on the priests and the leaders that pizza was not going to solve the problem of the lawyers (although it did satisfy their hunger). So they all sat down and realised that they could do nothing. So they ate yet more pizza!

Suddenly, a lawyer walked in! It was horrifying, particularly when the lawyer was eating pizza. Every single priest and leader spat out the pizza they were eating. It was a messy sight. The lawyer stepped up to the centre of the hall, pulled out a book and threw it at a leader.

The lawyer spoke "I have been asked by my clientele to throw the book at you. I represent the pizza chef union, who demand to be paid for all the pizza you have been eating. Until you pay, they will make pizza, let the scent linger all over the thirty planets, but will not sell a single one."

The lawyer walked out of the great hall. The priests and the leaders realised in unison, "If there were no lawyers, none of this would happen" Hence, the time had come for the lawyers to go.

So the priests, the leaders and even the germs sat together to devise a plan to rid themselves of all the lawyers their civilization had amassed. One idea was to trick each lawyer into suing every other lawyer, so that they would all have nervous breakdowns. This idea failed because lawyers had no nervous system, which could break down and, even if they did, then there would be a problem of too many crazy former lawyers.

So the priests, the leaders and the germs tried to think of ideas. One germ had a great idea, but none of the priests or leaders heard it, so that great idea was lost. Then, all of a sudden, every priest and leader thought, in unison, "Why not pack ALL the lawyers into a space ship and send them into space without any maps to help them back?" And a decision had finally been reached. The lawyers would be sent for out into space, without any information that would help them get back. The space ship that would be used was the one the priests and leaders were going to use to escape the apocalypse. It was a risk they were willing to take.

The ship was prepared and ready. The apocalypse had almost arrived. Now all that was left was to lure the lawyers to the space ship. The idea that was used was to advertise an "idiots-who-feel-compelled-to-pay-lawyers-huge-sums-of-money" convention at the space ship. The idea was such a success, that every lawyer and lawyer-wannabe flooded the ship. When the priests and leaders confirmed that every lawyer was on the ship, they sent it into space, where it went into hyper-drive.

When the ship left the vicinity of the civilization, the apocalypse, which was just about to happen, didn’t happen. Instead, the dark, evil skies turned to a beautiful blue. The sun shone and so on. Murderers became nice people. Life had suddenly become perfect!

In the meanwhile, the lawyers had found that there wasn’t a single idiot-who-would-pay-them-huge-sums-of-money on the ship. The next realisation that dawned upon them was that if they opened the doors to leave, they would be sucked into the vacuum of space and die a dirty death (although, there is no dirt in space, except for wandering lawyers).

So the lawyers had reached a consensus that they had no idea where they were, what they were going to do and what consensus they had to reach. A debate ensued. It was terrible. Some of the lawyers actually became temporarily sane. They were terminated for their sins and the funeral charges were billed to the families, which didn’t exist.

This debate lasted for a long time. It was speculated that the debate lasted for two seconds, but actually lasted for two millennia because they had been travelling in hyper-drive. When the hyper-drive stopped, the ship was 1 metre away from a planet. You must be thinking that they crashed into the planet. That, unfortunately, did not happen. This is because the lawyers were not familiar with the laws of physics ad didn’t obey them for this reason. So that large ship lay hovering 1 metre above the planet’s surface.

All the lawyers got off the ship, to search for money. When the last lawyer jumped off the ship, it disappeared. It underwent PLS (Post-Lawyer Syndrome) in which space ships disappeared after all the lawyers got off. This is a reason why lawyers travelled in anti-PLS cars.

So the lawyers were stranded in a world that was perfect, just before they appeared. They decided to walk and walk they did, for 20 metres. The reason they stopped is because they saw something too astonishing to comprehend. They saw an ancient human being.

In case you’re lost here, let me fill you in. The lawyers had landed, not on Mars, Venus or Jupiter, but on (you guessed it) Earth. Another reason why they were astonished was because they were humans too. You see the civilization was actually the future of Earth, where humans had colonised the planets of the solar system, their moons and beyond that. The lawyers (who were humanoid, even if they possessed hardly any "humane" characteristics) had just seen … a cave-person.

The lawyers didn’t figure out the events as described in the last paragraph, but saw hope. Here was an idiot from whom they could suck money. However, with time, the lawyers realised they had to "evolve" to the level of the cave-person and then infiltrate their society and finally take all their money. This is what they did and, soon, lawyers had become part of cave-life.

This is how lawyers originated. They came from the future where, to save other generations, humans sent the lawyers, mistakenly, back to their own past. These lawyers went on and eventually reached the future, where they were sent back to the past again. So it is just an eternal cycle. So, you may ask, where did lawyers first come from? The answer, I regret to say, is that I do not know. I do know the origin of apple pie, but I do not know which evil being conjured up the idea of the lawyer. The answer to that question will forever remain unknown, but don’t feel disheartened. Always remember: A lawyer is just a creature that obeys no law of physics, psychology or apple pie.