The truth about Apples and Pineapples

In many of my stories, I have consistently mentioned apple pies and pineapples. If I haven’t then I’m telling you that I do. For those of you who are wondering why I do this, I have decided to respond to your question. And for those of you who couldn’t care less, read on because this is more than just fruits but is about the very meaning of life.

In case you never noticed, pineapple can be separated into the parts "pine" and "apple". It is an apple, in name. The reason for this is the possible basis for this story. It is the basis of my fascination with apple pies and pineapples. It is, quite menacingly, the meaning of life. If you don’t believe me, then read on and I shall explain to you how these 2 objects relate to our existence and that of the whole of creation.

This story begins a couple of million millennia ago, probably more. It begins as far back as when there was no life and that was partly because there was no universe around. There was nothing. Except for a very small hut the size of 5 million suns. Around this hut, there was nothing. Since there was no universe, there was nothing around it. It was an interesting concept and a very curious twist to the phrase "the middle of nowhere". However, there was no one around to notice.

From the outside, the hut was possibly as simple as a simple hut could be. The walls had been made up of wood, the roof was of straw. There was an opening for a window, but no glass there. There was a wooden door. In fact the whole hut was just made up of wood and straw. It was … dull. But, again, there was no one around to notice.

The inside of the hut was as dull as the outside. The table, chair, bed, cupboard and every other structure in the room was made of wood. Even the floor was made of wood. There were two animate beings in the hut. Neither had any specific shape, but for the sake of convenience, assume that one being looked like a tortoise and the other looked humanoid.

The figure was sitting on the chair and the tortoise was just roaming around the huge, small hut. The figure was writing on something at the table. On closer inspection, the figure was writing something about apple pie and pineapples. The paper had a collection of drawings and was followed by an explanation of the salient features of the two objects.

"Apples are sweet, spherical fruits with a whitish interior. The skin is thin and edible. The main interior part is sweet and crunchy, with a cylindrical interior filled with seeds, which is usually thrown away. The colour of the apple may range from a light green to a dark red…" The description went on.

"Pineapples are apples which look like oversized pine cones. They differ in that the interior is yellowish and has a different texture. This is meant to compliment the apple. It is a different fruit with a similar name…" And this description continued.

The writer went on writing very detailed descriptions of the two objects and seemed to write more than could fit on the sheet of paper, but went on writing and never ran out of that sheet. Until the writer finished and spoke "Alleluia! I have finished my greatest creation. Now everyone will look up to me and recognise my greatness"

The figure did a short victory dance that no one saw, because there was no one around. Then the figure picked up the tortoise and looked at it and said, "Do you realise what this means? I will be god! Finally, I will be in control and no one will stop me. Do you want me to explain my great idea to you? You do? Oh, goody! Listen up, here’s the deal. I will create a universe in which on one planet there will be life. There will be plants and animals and the two, most intelligent life forms will be these two – the apple and the pineapple. They will be the rulers of the planet and will have humans as their slaves. This is so beautiful, I could cry"

The figure put the tortoise down. The tortoise had no idea what the figure had said because it didn’t speak gibberish or English (although both amounted to the same thing). The figure ran off to the door and looked out at … nothing. There was nothing to look at, so the figure looked at nothing and spoke "I deem that there be nothing no more. I name this creation … the Universe!" And with that the figure threw its hands about as if it were conducting an orchestra. But with each movement, something appeared and the "nothing" slowly disappeared. The Universe was being created, slowly but steadily, all around the hut.

The figure built the universe over six days and on the seventh day jumped on a chair and turned on the television, only to realise that the universe wasn’t activated yet for it to transmit any good daytime talk shows. The figure went back to the still universe, wore earplugs and then with another great show of hands, activated the universe. There was a loud, BIG bang. And life began.

The figure had created a universe so large that a mere mortal couldn’t even imagine it. There were planets and stars over a vast expanse of nothing. The nothing hadn’t gone, it had just been filled up, somewhat, by rocks and light. There was so much light that it actually took up some place in the vast area.

But this vast area was mostly lifeless. The life that the figure had talked about was only on one planet. This planet was a very small rock, in comparison to some of the other planets that had been created. But this was the planet where life was to be. It was a part of a system of planets that revolved around a relatively small star. There were ten planets and this planet was the third of the ten planets.

The figure had accelerated time so that when the universe was activated the civilization on the planet had already gone far ahead and there were daytime talk shows. It couldn’t be bothered to wait. The figure had created a history and each living being had been created uniquely.

This civilization was exactly how the figure had wanted. It was not very large. It was a global community by the time daytime talk shows were on. The two living races that dominated the planet were … apples and pineapples. The figure’s wishes had come true. These two living entities ruled the planet and coexisted in peace.

The apple and the pineapple had their physical differences and some differences on the insides as well. But they didn’t mind. They were just two different beings, which looked different. It gave the civilization a diversity that was very important. There weren’t too many different types of pineapples and just a few minor differences in the apples.

The humans were there as subordinates to the apples and pineapples. They were intellectually inferior to the ruling beings. They were ugly, stupid and violent (very, very, very similar to humans today). The figure thought that humans were too stupid to rule. They would probably be more bothered about a president flirting around rather than a nuclear war.

The apples and pineapples, on the other hand, had their priorities set on straight. They lived their lives and were bothered when it came to war. Peace and prosperity was their first priority as a civilization and they were proud of it.

However, this didn’t last long. Something went wrong. There were a few apples and pineapples that believed in destruction and that life was there to be "wasted". So those few actively protested against the system and destroyed a lot. There were a lot of "wasted" lives around. But none of this affected the figure, for the figure was indulged in watching the daytime talk shows. As long as the shows weren’t affected, the figure wasn’t bothered.

And so life went on. The evil apples and pineapples destroyed as much as they could before it dawned upon them that they shouldn’t fight together. They were different. They looked different and were different on the inside and probably even thought differently. They thought so differently that they both thought of this idea at the same time. And they both thought of double-crossing the other. So both of them double-crossed the other and thought they were too smart for their adversaries. In the meantime, both, the pineapples and the apples, secretly held meetings to overthrow the other.

The two races slowly separated and prepared for war. Each race thought that they would ambush the other race on the same day. So on that day, the apples marched into the empty pineapples’ places. This was because the pineapples were in the empty apples’ places. So each race was satisfied that they had vanquished the other. On their ways back to their own places, the two races met and realised that they had just conquered the other race’s places while their own places had been conquered. It was a very confusing situation.

So they fought. The war of wars had begun. Each side had exactly the same number of fighters and each of them fought and thought in exactly the same way. It was a war that would never end. But the war did end. And now it is time to tell you how.

The figure was asleep. On the television, there were images of war. Intermittently, there were images of either an apple or a pineapple in a nice suit describing the situation of the war on APCNN (Apple & Pineapple Cable News Network). But the figure was too busy dreaming sinful thoughts about how tasty apples and pineapples were. The figure dreamt about "apple pies" and pineapples in lucious detail. They were scrumptious. The figure licked its lips and smiled. And then the figure rolled off the couch and woke up.

The figure groaned in pain. Then it realised that it didn’t feel any pain, so it stopped groaning and looked at the television. And on the screen were images of splattered apples and pineapples all over the roads and scenes of war. Worst of all, there were no talk shows on!

The figure got back up onto the couch and stared at the screen. It had been so busy watching the talk shows that it hadn’t realised that a war had erupted on its beloved planet between his greatest creations. The figure was used to seeing battles on the talk shows, but never like what was on the screen now. It was horrible.

The time had come for action and the figure knew it. But it was hungry, very hungry. It hadn’t eaten in a few millennia. All it had done was watch the talk shows. And now it was time to eat. But it had to do something about the war going on between the apples and the pineapples. That’s when the solution struck the figure!

The figure ran to the door and looked out into the vast "Universe" that it had created so very long ago. It waved its hands and in a moment, the war on the planet had stopped. The apples and pineapple’s physical battle had ended. Of course, this was only the physical aspect of the battle.

What the figure had done was fairly simple. It had rendered the apples and the pineapples inanimate. The figure had taken a cue from its dream and turned the apples and pineapples into regular fruits like they are today. The next most intelligent creatures, the humans, were put in charge of the planet. Of course, the figure had such a lack of faith in the humans, that it created several other races and scattered them throughout the universe and decided that whichever race survived (and had the best talk shows) would be the one race left alive.

And finally, to differentiate between the apples and pineapples completely, the figure deemed that the apples be destined to be turned into pies and the pineapples into juice. Of course, no one followed those rules and the figure wasn’t bothered. All the figure did was watch the talk shows, until the next war came along and stopped it. And then the figure intervened, when no talk show was on (or if Jerry Springer was on).

Now that the story is over, you are probably wondering "What about the meaning of life?". For those of you who have forgotten, I had mentioned at the beginning of this tale that this story would explain the very meaning of life. And here it is: Life has no meaning (Quite an anti-climax, eh?). What I mean to say is that you shouldn’t spend your lives looking for meaning in life. You should live it and enjoy as much of it as you can. One minute you may be an apple and the next you are an inanimate fruit. But this doesn’t mean that you should forget about the future. The future will come. The only fact is that you don’t know what it holds. All you know is the present and you should enjoy that present but keep in mind that with every second the future is turning into the present and then into the past. So spend life "fruitfully" and remember that apple pies taste better than tissue paper.