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The Relation between Cockroaches and Panic - Act 3

The doors slammed open! "Coming through!" a voice screamed! The person was a fairly tall woman, in her 30’s, trying to run with the speed of a cheetah, but failing by quite a lot. She, with the assistance of a few attendants, was pushing a stretcher-on-wheels, upon which was a human soul who was petrified by the utter speed of his vehicle. Luckily for him and everyone else in that corridor, everyone moved out of the way and the human on his vehicle had a clear path to the operating theatre.

The doors of the theatre were slammed open and the "screaming lady" ran in with the vehicle in front of her. They screeched to a halt with such high deceleration, that the human soul would have been thrown out of his carriage, had he not been tied down by perhaps, 50 straps. The lady left with her attendants and left the poor man alone in the room (there were a few million species of germs there, but no one really cared about their existence).

The man was … Appu! He was in the operating theatre of a hospital that he had never heard of in his entire life (not that he knew much, except for cockroach sprays and their effectiveness). And the reasons, well, were too bizarre to be mentioned at such an early stage of this story.

The doors slammed again (Appu, and the germs, were starting to be fairly disturbed by the slamming). In rushed five people in white suits, who, for reasons that I do not know, were holding their hands up in the air, as if they were admiring their palms. They surrounded Appu, like predators surround their prey. Appu felt … scared!

The white suits started mumbling! It was a terrible situation for a person of Appu’s intellect. He heard the words "trouble", "difficult situation" and "strange case". Well, unknown to Appu, the white suits were talking about the trouble they had with a man who was carrying a strange case and hitting everyone in sight with it. His attacks had caused a really difficult situation for the people around him, because the case was non-existent and no one had any idea what he was attempting to do until he finally declared his devious intentions.

[Note: For some of the readers out there, the thoughts in your mind must be revolving around confusion and a complete (but wonderful), lack of reality. Appu is in a mental institution (which he doesn’t know yet), because … he was seen swallowing a cockroach by his neighbour’s dog, who felt it his civic duty to report Appu to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals because it was definitely a traumatic experience for both the dog and the cockroach. The phone call was forwarded to the nearest mental hospital, which got the wrong address, yet arrived at the wrong place (according to the wrong address) and picked up the right person, Appu. If you are suffering from a deficiency of any sense, then please stay where you are and read the story until you suffer from a nervous breakdown]

While Appu was considering ways by which he could get out of his current predicament, something strange happened. The man with the strange case, came running into the theatre, and hit everyone with it and then ran out again. Appu felt like panting!

Finally, the white suits turned their attention to Appu. The first reaction that came was "My LORD! What is that on your head?"

Appu struggled to reply under the 50 straps "It is a stupid looking bandage that I acquired in an accident with a cockroach"

The white suits began to murmur. This time the white suits remembered that there was going to be a turkey roast in 20 minutes in the cafeteria and they realised that this would have to be a rush job. Unfortunately for Appu, the phrases he heard were "20 minutes", "that is all the time he has" and the idea he thus contrived was not at all pleasant.

The white suits turned their attention back to Appu "Tell us exactly what happened"

Appu began his story…

It was a beautiful day at … the-place-Appu-was-at! The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the goats were barking! Life was definitely normal (except for the birds singing. They usually just moaned). And all was well with Appu … sort of!

It had been three months since the incidents during which Appu acquired the stupid looking bandage, which, coincidentally, had now become a very part of his personality. It symbolised his superiority over all the other cockroach fearers out there who believed it was their duty to idolise and worship him.

However, Appu was not at ease. There was a problem. A BIG problem! A problem that would probably stretch the very fabric of the universe if something wasn’t done about it (Sorry for the exaggeration, but you have to admit that a mood is building up here). Appu was out of cockroach SPRAY! He had exhausted his entire arsenal of anti-cockroach weaponry in his last encounter with a villainous cockroach, which refused to stay still in one place and die. It was a great battle, which the cockroach won when Appu knocked the spray can on his head.

The fact that he was out of cockroach spray shouldn’t have been a problem for Appu. Nevertheless, it was, particularly because some idiot had bought the world’s supply of cockroach spray over the past three months and there was none left (The "idiot", unknown to Appu, was Appu, himself).

It was unfortunate, but true that Appu had exhausted the entire world’s supply of cockroach spray and that cockroaches were now free to roam the world and create havoc. The cockroaches’ plan, though, did not work out as well as not as more people learned the martial art to attack cockroaches, known as "SPLAT!" (Stupid People Love Attacking Tables). It resulted in ugly sights, but fewer cockroaches.

However, Appu was not familiar with the martial art that the whole world was now aware of, although he did love attacking tables in his free time. And, hence, he now had to devise a way by which he could rid himself of any rude cockroaches who might intrude on his space when he was not armed with any sprays.

The plan that Appu devised was like this: if he saw a cockroach anywhere, he would run in the opposite direction. This was considered a problem if the opposite direction was a wall, but he found a solution, which involved taking a bazooka and blowing the wall up! In spite of the fact that the acquisition of a bazooka was not possible, Appu felt safe knowing that if he had to, he would get one and blow up whichever wall he had to.

The white suits (who were falling asleep right now), all woke up all of a sudden, when they realised that they only had 3 minutes left before the turkey dinner. However, Appu was still telling them about the different varieties of bazookas there were and who he would have to kill to procure one.

A white suit screamed "WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?"

Appu whimpered "Oh, you mean about the cockroach incident?"

"YES!" was the polite reply, which was screamed so loud that the other doctors all went deaf. This saved them from the nervous breakdown that the screamer would suffer in the next few minutes.

Appu began to narrate the event that led to his arrival at the institution.

Appu was at home, without any sprays and still without a bazooka in case he ever ran into a wall. He was getting ready to visit his neighbour’s dog and find out if it had any cockroach sprays with it. As he closed the door and turned around, it happened!

Appu was now facing … the son of the cockroach that had tormented him three months ago. The son had come for revenge for his father’s death (which, for those of you who don’t know, was at the hands of a spray can in Appu’s hand) and wanted to crush Appu like a … cockroach. Of course, Appu had no idea about the whole story here, but was just as scared anyway. Appu turned around, and ran … straight into the door (he had considered running into walls, but not doors).

Appu slumped to the floor and turned around as fast as he could to see his nemesis still there on the ground in front of him. The enemy rose into the air, pulled back and then flew straight at Appu’s face (this is where the neighbour’s dog came in, saw the situation with fright and made the phone call). HOWEVER, what everyone thought had happened hadn’t actually happened. Appu hadn’t really swallowed the cockroach. As the cockroach approached Appu’s face, Appu opened his mouth and tried to scream. The sight of Appu’s mouth drove the cockroach to such a state of fear, where it flew in a completely opposite direction, just before entering Appu’s mouth, and went straight through the ceiling and landed in a location still unknown.

Appu’s story was over. He had seen the cockroach fly away and that was, in part the reason why he was still alive (the other reason for his continual existence was that he saw a can of cockroach spray on the distant floor in front of him).

The white suit who was previously screaming had now, as previously mentioned, gone into a state of nervous disintegration, where the person lost all sense and reasoning in a second. The other doctors (who were deaf), realised it was time for the roast and thinking that Appu was completely alright, released him from his carriage and took him down to join them.

In the end, the screaming white suit was put into isolation where the person spent the days counting the number of goats that barked each day. Appu joined the other white suits at the roast and had an enjoyable time without any problems. The son of the cockroach did survive his escape, only to be eaten, as part of a turkey roast, by an ugly human wearing a stupid looking bandage over his head.